short and incomplete

i'm feeling strange lately. actually, since i stopped taking those effing beta blockers (for back story, see here and here, in that order) i just feel. in general.

turns out, i just may be able to deal with the palpitations if i limit my consumption of stimulants and eat right and exercise. who fucking knew? i've been skimming through my posts since late 2006 when this whole heart thing started, and noticed a pretty obvious change in my writing: the old greenambition testament was full of silliness and fun, but then the palpitations were sent from the universe as a physical manifestation of some major changes in my life, and then the new greenambition testament started to be full of wallowy crap. again, i blame the beta blockers. in passing, someone told me once that beta blockers can actually cause depression. check. which is a little maddening to me because it means that, had i gone back to my doctor, i may have been put on an anti-depressant, which would have been a pharmaceutical to counteract the side effects caused by another pharmaceutical. do you see where this is going?

and anti-depressants tend to cause sexual dysfunction. oh, hell no. way to cause more depression, anti-depressants.

anyway, someone said to me once, "you deserve to be loved," and at the time, i totally didn't believe them. i wrote the words on a piece of note paper shaped like a fisted hand with the middle finger solely extended, and stuck it to my refrigerator, where i would see it every day. that was over a year ago.

i am just now beginning to believe it.