this does not make good ice-breaker conversation

i can't remember a time in my life when i didn't think that the world was going to end. soon.

seriously.

this includes when i was a small child, before i was cognitively able to make a mental map of how to get across town from my house to my grandparents' house, and thinking that i would never survive if i didn't at least know how to do that. and even then, my thoughts of apocalypse weren't of a peter-pan-esque different world where there were no adults and kids lived in tree houses. it's always been the same sort of society-as-we-know-it-completely-breaks-down-for-whatever-reason kind of scenario: no communication devices, dangerous people, what am i gonna do? of course, ideas of what this looks like specifically have changed as i've grown up, to fit my ideas of what society actually is.

it doesn't stress me out, and it's not a paranoia or a fear. just something that's constantly in my head. i'll be driving down the interstate on my way between my parents' house and mine, look out over a beautiful and hilly southern minnesota farmscape and think, i wonder what this will look like 10 years after the apocalypse or if the apocalypse makes it too fucked up to live in the city, i'm totally coming here or i wonder if crops and livestock will still be trustworthy food sources after the apocalypse... hmm.. i guess it depends on the apocalypse... maybe i should learn how to prepare animals for eating. seriously, it doesn't end. (that was a pun.)

anyway, i'm just sitting here on my couch after classes, eating lunch before i start on my homework and making a mental list of all of the things that i'm going to miss after the apocalypse. i guess it goes without saying that my ideas of the apocalypse include my actually living through it, and also that this list excludes actual grief. anyway, here's what my head is doing right now...

in the event of the apocalypse, these are the things i will miss the most:
cheese
hot showers
clean clothes
reliable tele-communication
hockey
flushing toilets
general cleanliness
social order
drinkable water from the faucet
cold beer
a reliable source of relatively uncontaminated tampons

these are the things i will not miss:
money
coasties
washing dishes
a schedule
temperatures below 60 degrees F
working in customer service
my neighbors' dogs who bark all goddamn day

these are the things i should learn how to do before the apocalypse:
start a fire without matches or a lighter
prepare an animal for eating
distinguish helpful plants from not helpful ones
distinguish helpful people from not helpful ones
secure a premises
fix people

wow. all of this thinking about the end of the world is exhausting. i think i'm going to go take a nap on my safe and warm couch under a clean and snuggly blanket with my purry cat curled up on my legs. damn, pre-apocalypse life is awesome.

Comments

[Helen]

My, but you must have been a peculiar child.

I do, however, love that you listed cheese first on the list of things you would miss the most. I knew we were friends for a reason. :-)

[Jenn]

you forgot about hockey?? What?!! Okay I can forgive you...I had plenty of help so I suppose I can excuse your absence! Are you working Sat. night? My dear friend, whom I believe you know, Mitch and I are going to go out for a drink or two.
Anyway, in answer to your question, I will be at the stick taping party..not sure where I am going but I am sure a map will help :O)
I like the list, very interesting..gives me something to think about while I sit here bored watching my dogs chew a bone.. ha!

[brrri]

I LOVE MITCH! i hope we're talking about the same mitch. and yes, i'm totally working saturday night. see you then!

and the forgot about hockey thing... homework, i've been sickish, needed to help someone move a file cabinet up a flight of stairs, had to buy a friend a birthday beer... need any more excuses?

and, helen: i totally need to call you. it's been way too long. and yes, i was a strange child.

i'm a strange adult. you love me for it.

[Jenn]

tall guy..well tall to me at least, works at the ultimate. Mitch and I have known each other for close to 10 years now I think. Since I moved here..what a small world!
No excuses needed..that's what happens as you get older :O)

[CT transplant]

So, what do you have against "coasties"? Just curious - it is not a sentiment I have encountered in my time away from the center of the country.

[brrri]

just being from a coast doesn't earn you the title of "coastie." in fact, one of my best friends in madison is from san fransisco and she's totally awesome. in order to be crowned "coastie," you must also demonstrate ALL of the following:

1. a superior sense of materialism, especially for ugly designer crap that costs more than a normal human would spend on groceries for a month;

2. chemically altered hair, teeth, skin and fingernails;

3. complete and total lack of: job experience, ability to cross a street without impeding oncoming traffic, ability to tell the difference between a sidewalk and a bike lane, and any common sense at all;

4. doesn't know whether the writing assignment has to be written in "like, paragraphs, or something..."

5. would be more likely to cry if they lost their cell phone than if their roommate was killed in a drinking accident, because the cell phone is where the fad radar is kept;

6. near complete obliviousness to the rest of the world.

there are probably more, but hating on people is exhausting. if you are from a coast and display more than three of these symptoms, there is help for you.

[TGD]

To secure a premises. Yes.