in the last few days, i've gotten some email attention regarding my last post. despite already being up to my neck in school work and other things, my mind has been in constant production of what is starting to look like a gender monologue. my gender monologue. i find it somewhat unfortunate that i do not have the sort of time that it would take for me to sit down and really write out all of these constructions, but at the same time i realize that it is the constant busyness in my life that has reignited my mind. for the first time in several years, i feel alive. really alive. in every moment, not just those that bring me joy. i smile when i wake up. i am in constant motion. i am driven. i am driving. i love. myself.
after the spanish pronouns and gender specific articles lecture, i approached my ta and asked if there is a way, in spanish, to refer to someone without using gender specific pronouns and articles. she looked confused and sort of blushed. i should have made it clear to her that a simple "no" would have sufficed, but she paused for a moment in thought. when she spoke, it was with caution. i was hopeful. what she said was almost the worst thing i could have heard in that moment. she said, "you mean, like it?" it? it?! did you just say IT? the word brings back every moment in my life during which i was present to hear someone phobically refer to someone whose gender they could not readily identify as "it." as if that person no longer deserved a human specific pronoun. we'll use "she" to describe a woman, a ship, a storm, a motorcycle, but you, since i can no longer decide whether you have vagina or penis get "it." a thing. an object without significance. not human.
in a native american story i heard once, people who didn't fit into traditional gender binary were actually regarded as beings which were closer to the gods than regular people. a transcendence. superhuman.
i do not need gender binary to tell me how to live, how to dress, how to act, or who or how to fuck. as long as i listen to the achings that come from my chest, my head, and my cunt, what does it matter? i am perfectly content being. choosing. feeling. my body. it's mine.
i do not choose to be called "he." at the same time, i wish to not have to choose between "womens' room" and "mens' room." at the same time, i realize that it's not possible given the construct of the society that i was born into. at the same time i feel detached from "she." i was never part of that club. either club. intermediate. uncomfortable on feet, no matter what side of the line they were on.
being on the outside of gives me a chance to see from the outside. to think from the outside. it is my opinion that the outside is the best perspective, however lonely it can be here sometimes. i get the distinct feeling that no matter how many books i read or inter/trans/queer people i talk to, i am still going to feel this thing that i've come to identify as different. it's sort of sad and lonely. i keep it in a little box in my head. the lid is hinged, and sometimes people remind me of what's in there. they add things, they relate to things, they take things out. but it's still kindof heavy. kindof afraid. kindof why.
i've been debating about writing here about dreams. dreams that i've had since i can remember having dreams. which is to say, dreams that i've had since i was a child, before i knew the words "gender" or "binary" or "queer" or even "lesbian."
speaking of lesbian:
i realize that i am writing here for me. i am writing what i need to write. writing in private journals that no one will ever read seems somehow tragic to me. but however much i love a good tragedy, i need to write these things here. i write using words that i know. i write using a certain level of understanding. so, if you're reading this, and you picked up on that "lesbian" bit, and said, "of course, lesbian and queer are the same thing, you reduntant freak! what 'chu bitchin' about gender for, you're a lesbian, of course you like to fix stuff!" i want to remind you of this simple truth:
sexuality has nothing to do with gender identity.
these are two completely different things.
and it's way easier to come out as a lesbian.
i am beginning to think that my life is going to be one long series of coming outs.
(i'm not going to proofread this post. please excuse the mess. or not)
