here you have it

another year in the life

something startled me when i woke up this morning.

it was a good morning, mostly quiet, the cat finally curled up sweetly next to my knee, abandoning her 8 am ritual of running around the apartment and meowing like a lunatic for an hour, clean everything on the bed beconed my exposed by a-shirt shoulders to stay just a little bit longer and promised my nose and my cheecks fresh beginnings for a new year.

a new year.

2007.

awake, i cringe.

today is the first day in a longer time than i can remember that i have absolutely no plans. i mean, there are things i want to do in my apartment, people i want to call, a blog post to write, but i don't have to be anywhere or do anything today for anyone but myself. so i kept turning over and going back to sleep for no reason other than i could.

until 2007 crept into my head. i don't know why, but i have this feeling that 2007 means business. 2005 and 2006 were both years of incredible emotional growth for me, painful like teenage joint aches, hard but powerful and lasting. the end of 2006 was like an intellectual warm-up on top of some major emotional lessons. i've got goals, and i am driven to be in school, but last semester didn't really work out for me in many ways. next semester is going to be focus time. i've landed a research project that couldn't be more perfect for what i want out of my education at uw, my class schedule is very similar to what i had last semester, and now i've got some space to breathe. and some space to really fuck up the educational life that i am trying to build for myself. and it's all up to me. just me.

as a child, the passing of time seemed torturously slow, a perception that i wish i could have hung on to at least a little bit of in my adult life. now, days and weeks and semesters seem to fly by, conducted by the yo-yo that bounces between the conquering of and subsequent retreat from an endless stream of responsibilities.

so, 2007, it will be pleasant to meet you, i'm sure. i've been floating on alright, as they say, but i'm hoping that maybe this will be the year that i finally learn how to sail.

the comforts of home, or: some things never change

in a time and a place that seems to be constantly changing, most recently for the hard, it is nice to be still again. i never lived in the house where my parents now live, but it's just as "home" as any of the places where i did live with them. there are 2 new german shepherd puppies, which make things chaotic at times, but the rest of it is pretty much the same:

~ dad webb is still in the basement, and mom webb still sends caramels.
~ i played my annual game of settlers of catan with some of the high school crew.
~ neal is still "that guy."
~ molly would still rather watch than play.
~ the cockatiel still goes through fits of shrill calling when my dad leaves the room.
~ the tv is on in the background, playing an entire day's worth of reality shows and crime documentaries.
~ mom cleans and cooks and runs errands, dad tinkers with pinball machines and does his christmas shopping in the early afternoon of christmas eve.
~ the evenings are still mostly made up of hanging out, watching movies and surfing ebay.
~ there is a blue bulb on the tree with my full first name on it, spelled out in silver glitter.
~ a house on marion road is decorated with an absurd amount of christmas lights.
~ tomorrow, there will be lots of family, lots of food, and lots of pool and pinball playing.

it's the little consistent things that make the big changes seem not so big.

more good news on the good news train

< / sarcasm >

i wasn't going to post again until after tomorrow, when i take a final at 7:45 am, another final at 12:25, and have a meeting at 4 to sell myself to an md from the department of medicine and public health about a mentorsip project involving hiv/aids research that i reeeally want to get in on next semester. oh yeah, and then i have to go to work and close the store because my "friend" who does the scheduling scheduled me to work tomorrow even though i requested the day off over a month ago, and the guy who is covering can't actually cover the whole shift. awesome.

and before i tell you what's gotten me prematurely posting, let's recap:

my life in the last few months has involved (in mostly chronological order) these things:

~ i am back to school for the first time in 4 years, to a state university for the first time ever.
~ i had to cut back my hours at work so i could spend more time with my books, which made me even more poor.
~ i went to the emergency room with heart palpitations, subsequently getting the hugest insurance bullshit ride of my life, a fun 24-hour-heart-monitor test, and a prescription, which has, for the most part, helped...
~ jennie started getting distant.
~ my car got broken into and my stereo got stolen, repairs paid out of pocket because reporting the theft to my insurance comapny would raise my rates because they would claim that i live in a "high risk area" and the deductible would have been higher than the cost of the repairs anyway.
~ two of my best friends broke up, and my social life started to unravel.
~ jennie broke up with me for reasons that she hasn't really explaind beyond that she just doesn't feel like being with me anymore. i am still terribly in love with her.
~ i decided to trade in my beloved little hybrid for a road bike so that i can start training for next summer's actV aids ride, only to find it gone. stolen. the funny thing is that i don't normally lock my bike when i leave it on my back porch, but when i left for a long weekend with the family over thanksgiving, i did. and someone fucking stole it. FUCK!

i wasn't going to post again until finals were over so that i would not let myself get distracted from studying. turns out, everything distracts me from studying, and i am struggling to stay interested. it's not as bad as it sounds, though. since i don't have a girlfriend anymore, i've had a lot of time to study on a regular basis, rather than all at once right before the test, as per my usual style. i feel as prepared as i'm going to get for my huge day tomorrow.

here's what's got me worried:

the palpitations are back. i've been on the meds since i last posted about it. the plan was to take them until i ran out, wait for a couple weeks to see what happens sans-meds, then make an appointment with my NP to decide what to do. the palpitations and fast heart beats and weird chest feeling totally vanished when i started the meds, and even stayed gone when i was out of town for thanksgiving break and forgot the meds at home. i have been noticing my heart racing sometimes during hockey games, but that's to be expected, with all of the excitement and trying to outskate experienced defenders. i took today's dose about 2 hours ago, and sat back down to finish up some reading for one of my exams tomorrow. i was laying on the couch with the cat asleep and tucked under my left arm, computer on my lap, reading up for my big meeting tomorrow, when i felt it. i've been feeling weird in my chest lately, the last week or so, but i get that way when i'm upset, especially when it involves being in love. heartbreak, i guess. i've felt it before. at first, i thought i was feeling the cat purring softly on my chest, and was pleased that she seems settled and calm tonight. then she shifted, she likes to be between me and the computer screen, and often tries to rest her head on the track-pad. i felt it again. i held my breath. the cat went to get a snack. the palpitations are back.

but they're not as bad as they were before, and this time i've got meds.
this time i've got documentation
and this time i've got someone to ask for when i call to make the appointment.

but this time i've got no hand to hold,
no reassuring kisses on my forehead
no arms of safety to curl up into.

and i'm scared.

i'm never dating again

i saw this film 5ish years ago when it was a part of a planetout.com queer film festival. i think it got 2nd place.

it's called interviews with my next girlfriend and it's pretty heavily stereotypical, but not in an overly offensive way. i remember watching it before i moved to madison, and thinking that it was probably an accurate representation of a culture that i had yet to experience.

and now i just laugh, and hope that i don't fall in to one of those boxes. and i realize that i don't want to date anyone who falls into one of those boxes... and i realize all over again just how much i miss jennie...

*youtube doesn't allow embedding of these particular videos, so just double click on it and it will open in a different window*

part 1

part 2

have a good time with the videos, and i'll see you after finals...

get up

"and when you were near no sky was ever quite as clear."

i actually listened to sleater-kinney for years before i knew most of the lyrics or even the names of the band members. there is something about their sound that has a way of pulling heavy stuff out of my chest like nothing else can.

lessons in selfishness (part 2)

apparently, someone has done studies on the philosophy of forgiveness. apparently, to have the ability to forgive is a measure of high emotional capacity.

it is slightly aside to say that

i no longer believe that, if given a loaded weapon which was pointed at the most ruthless and unapologetic and murderous criminal on earth, that i would pull the trigger.

but also

i no longer believe that if a messiah ever existed and came to earth, we would be saved. any of us.

so what about forgiveness? is the lack of forgiveness the same as punishment? is to forgive to say that the hurt that you cause me is ok? i want you to know that it is not ok. regardless of your intent or even my understanding of it, it is not ok that you hurt me, and therefore i cannot forgive you. but if not forgiving means punishment, then i must forgive you.

but

if forgiveness is permission to justify your actions, then i cannot forgive you. but if forgiveness is love, then i must forgive you.

is it selfish to want an admission of guilt? is admission of guilt a request for forgiveness? is a reguest for forgiveness an admission of guilt? is admission of guilt also an admission to fault? does an admitted fault need to be forgiven? if this were the case, wouldn't we all admit faults to excuse our guilt and therefore dodge the need for forgiveness?

isn't this dodge the very center of selfishness?

is that what you're telling me?

lessons in selfishness (part 1)

one of the things that i can say that i am gaining from my rejection from jennie is that i am suddenly having a lot of really important conversations. one of the most common questions that i am being asked is,

"what are you doing for you?"

when it was first brought up, i was pretty speechless. what am i supposed to do, drop her out of my daily life, cold-turkey, and buy myself something pretty as a reward? accept her selfishness with the same shrug that she gave me, have a massage, and sage my apartment? i don't want to leave her, i love her.

everything i know says that you stand up and fight for what you believe in. why should this be any different? why should i just roll over and let her walk away without turning back and believing that what she did was right and just? why would it have been considered stalkerish and creepy if i would have shown up at her derby bout this weekend with a big posterboard sign that said, "jennie, i love you"? don't even think for a second that i didn't almost do it. i was in the car.

it has been said that i need to start being more selfish. i need to take energy for myself, and make decisions based on myself.

my conclusions have mostly landed on the plate of: life isn't about me, and neither should be my decisions. here's the short version, because this is still a thought in progress, and i started this post much too late because i didn't want to lose it:

when i am no longer a part of life on earth, what is going to be left of me? nothing. almost. is it going to be my reputation for always showing up to work 3 minutes late, or the couple thousand dollars that i donated to my alumni association when i died? no. it's going to be the things that i've done for the good of the people around me, epecially when those people went on to do more good for the people around them.

and

what's the point in doing something self-serving, anyway? one-person profit has never been a sustainable way of doing things.

and

"what doesn't bend breaks."

until next time...
tonight, the sheep can count themselves.

"and pretending that i was finally free"

independance day

we drove the car to the top of the parking ramp
on the 4th of july
we sat out on the hood with a couple of warm beers
and watched the fireworks
explode in the sky
and there was an exodus of birds from the trees
but they didnt know, we were only pretending
and the people all looked up and looked pleased
and the birds flew around like the whole world was ending
and i don't think war is noble
and i don't like to think that love is like war
but i got a big hot cherry bomb,
and i want to slip it through the mail slot
of your front door

you can't leave me here
i've got your back now
you'd better have mine
cause you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time

so many sheep i quit counting
sleepless and embarrassed about the way that i feel
trying to make mole hills out of mountains
building base camp at the bottom of a really big deal
and did i tell you how i stopped eating?
when you stopped calling me
and i was cramped up shitting rivers for weeks
and pretending that i was finally free

and you can't leave me here
now that your back
you'd better stay this time
cause you say the coast is clear
but you say that all the time

we drove the car to the top of the parking ramp,
on the 4th of july
and i planted my dusty boots on the bumper
and sat out on the hood,
and looked up at the sky

~ani difranco

also:
i need to stop being such a good internet searcher:
if you've written it online, even under a name that's not yours,
i'll find it.

you heard it here first

my cat will not shut the hell up. i am considering paying someone to come up the fucking stairs so that she'll have someone to greet. not even my cat is content with my exclusive company. awesome.

so i turned on the tv. i'm usually really quiet when i'm home by myself, sometimes i've got music or the tv on, but not when i'm working or reading or writing, which is mostly what i do when i'm home. by myself. i thought maybe she just wanted some noise.

the least annoying channel happened to be fox, where i got to catch the last half of a reality show where they take one spouse from each of two married-with-kids, hetero households and swap them. it is also important to note that the families couldn't be more different. in this case, one family bible bangs and the other does reiki. do we not have enough fucking drama in the world that we need to stir it up for the sake of prime time entertainment? because we can't feel good when we're watching the really fucked up shit that happens on it's own, like this or this.

but wait, there's more! primetime offered me something that made my jaw drop: the butchies have sold their song make yr life to fox. that's right. those hot feminist grrrl rawkers sold out to fox, the worst television station in history.

kaia, how could you?

a little voice in the back of my head says, "it was the best decision for them." and my stomach turns.

on the breakup

so it's been a few days since the bomb finally dropped. honestly, i've known it was coming for a while. it's amazing what happens when you can feel someone pushing you away, such that the harder you try to get them back, the harder they push. i know it's petty, but it makes me physically ill to know that she's out there having anything that resembles fun.

i hate knowing that people can respect or even like her for pushing me away and leaving like she did. i hate that i feel this empty, while she left because she felt too full. i hate knowing that i am still terribly in love with her.

i feel sad and pathetic and frustrated and tired.

since many of the things that we argued about had to do with her recent addiction to roller derby, i've been doing some online research, limited slightly by the facts that 1) most derby sites are fan-based and unreliable for anything unbiased, and 2) journals that i would have to pay for to read. i want to know more about what happens psychologically to a person when they join derby, and what the so-called "derby persona" is all about.

most of the things i'm reading i knew already:
~ derby is rewarding because it is physically challenging and mentally stimulating. check.
~ derby builds relationships. check.
~ derby lets you leave your life behind and become someone you're normally not. check and check.

i have been proud of the way that jennie stuck to her guns even after she broke her elbow on the rink before even being drafted to a team. i helped nurse broken elbow and blisters and bruises, but became increasingly frustrated at the way she wouldn't let me use the remedies that i know to heal such wounds, instead insisting on instruction from derby girls first and then doing whatever they recommended. it amazed me that 2 weeks after ignoring my instructions to soak her blistered feet in warm water and epsom salt, someone on derby told her the same thing and it became gospel. this is just one example.

she's also made a ton of friends while on derby. which ia awesome... until she decided that her new friends were more important to her than her relationship with me. this is what i don't get. yeah, it's fun to make new friends, but to leave your girlfriend so that you can party with them guilt-free seems terribly juvenile and very unlike the person i've known and loved for the last year.

also very unlike her came standoffish arrogance, and the attitude that anyone who disagrees can fuck off. some of the things i love about her are her strong will and intolerance of bullshit, but the last couple months have been almost out of control. i understand why this would be a beneficial on-rink way of thinking, but not at home. i have had a couple of online interactions with derby girls from around the country who suggest that this is an unfortunate and somewhat uncommon (although not completely unheard of) side effect of not effectively separating derby life from home life. i have not done enough reading (mostly due to the fact that the scientific stuff - limited but existant - must be paid for) to really call this a phenomenon as opposed to something that just happened to happen to two of the closest people i had in my life up until now, but it is nice to know that other people have seen it and that i, for the sake of this particular point, am not crazy.

it helps to have a little bit of validation, but it still hurts to see what's going on, and it sucks to have to tell someone that you love that they've turned into a person that's become mean and agressive and arrogant.

maybe it is true that i'm better off not in a relationship with her anymore. but it doesn't make it hurt any less, and no matter how hard i try to replace my love for her with anger or pity or anything that's not love, i can't.

the cherry on top:
my cat has been doing nothing but staring out the glass door that comes into my apartment from the stairs and crying. the entire time i've been home for the last 3 days. even my cat is in love with her and wants her to come home.