here you have it

sending my application to the aarp

i caught a drunk girl falling backwards off of a bar stool, and the thanks i got was a sleeve full of beer. there was a time when i would have been excited about that.

etc.

what have you done today to make you feel stupid

4th week of my return to undergraduate study, and i'm starting to empathize with my teenage peers. but only just a little. at first, it really bothered me that they seemingly mindlessly walked out into traffic, walked in bike lanes, and did EVERYTHING (including driving mopeds, walking out into traffic, and using public toilets) while talking on cell phones, many of which actually coordinated with their outfits. but i've been thinking: maybe they just look absent because their almost-but-not-quite-full-grown-adult heads are swimming with the deadlines and homework and the social obligations that i get to keep hearing about from the girl who sits behind me during math class. i get it, school and being a teenager are hard work. check. but your clothes are still stupid. especially your glasses.

the class progress report goes something like this:

español 102.
starting to come around. the ta is a native speaker, so it's really difficult to understand what she's saying half of the time, and i totally bombed my first quiz, but i'm starting to bounce back. we'll see how the test goes tomorrow.

biology/zoology 151.
i have officially registered for honors biology, which i am excited about. it will make my solid 8:40am to 4:20pm wednesdays 3 hours longer, but honors credit will be sweet. this is the only class that i have done zero studying for all semester. the classes that have regular, graded homework are totally monopolizing my homework time. gonna have to work on that.

math 112.
trying hard to resist the urge to set my ta's office on fire.*** today, rather than fielding questions about the homework assignment, which usually takes up at least 15 minutes of our 50 minute class time, he wanted to "jump right in" and take questions at the end. he never got to the end, however, because he spent 15 minuted teaching us a completely irrelevant and poorly executed "parlor trick" (he called it that when someone said, "wait, what's going on, and why do we need to know this?" he said, "you don't. it's a parlor trick.") with the quadratic equation formula. grr. now i'm not going to get full credit for my homework because i needed clarification on a problem, which didn't get explained in the previous lecture. and this is all after i emailed him this weekend asking what page number our assignment was on, because it wasn't on the syllabus, and he emailed me back saying, "it's outlined on the syllabus." thanks, man. you're a really big help. turns out it was on there, just in the wrong column, and with a letter in front of it. would it have fucking killed you to have simply typed the letters "3" and "5"? i realize that, as an undergrad, i need to take on a huge responsibility for my education. but i didn't spend $3,000 on tuition for a class that i would probably do better in if i skipped lecture all together. i can read the book for free. and it's not an asshole.

in other news, i went to farm and fleet last week to get some gloves and some jeans, and ended up picking up a flannel. it seemed weather appropriate, was and comfy and on sale, so now it's mine. it has terribly satisfying snap-buttons down the front, on the pockets, and on each cuff. it's soft and warm, and is quickly becoming my security flannel. almost the first thing i do anymore when i get home is take off whatever other warmth article i'm wearing and put it on. i'm pretty sure that if i die during this whole school thing, i'll be found, drowned in a pool of relatively useless information and eraser dust wearing this shirt. flannel = love.

the heart update:
the short story is that, starting a few days before classes started, i was having weird and unrelenting episodes of irregular heart beats. beats that i could feel. and they didn't feel right. so i went to the er, where i was monitored for a few hours, and told that i have "palpitations" and that i should follow up with a primary to find out why. so i did, ended up wearing a holter monitor for 24 hours and subsequently getting put on a low dose beta blocker, called nadolol. the summary from the holter pretty much said that my heart rate has a really huge range, but that my average was 80 beats per minute, which is just a tad high. however, there were periods where my heart rate would, at rest, shoot up to 117 beats per minute for no apparent reason. i also had episodes of fairly harmless premature atrial contraction. so the beta blockers. right now, it makes me feel kindof high after i take it, which is usually right before bed, but there is also a lingering feeling of fatigue that i'm hoping will go away as my body adjusts. right now, the plan is to be medicated for 3 months, then stop and see what happens. woo for health insurance.

*** note for the office of homeland security:
i'm not really going to set his office or anything else on fire. i'm being dramatic. take me off your list.

mail-in rebate! for a price...

i just finished week #2 of my first semester back to school since 2002. things are going pretty much as expected: re-learning how to stay awake for 3 lecture hours in a row, re-learning the amount of time i need to set aside each day for homework, re-learning covalent bonds, sigma notation, and spanish verbs, and spending money on wierd stuff i don't know why i'll need.

for example: required for my biology lab is either a diskette or one of those usb memory card thingers. since my computer is fairly new, it doesn't have a regular disk drive, so i opted for the trendy usb "memory stick." i am assuming that i need portable memory to be able to bring my work home with me. so i'm at the university tech store, trying to decide between the $20 512mb stick and the $30 1gb stick when my decision is made for me. the 1gb stick has a $5.50 mail in rebate! score! 1gb it is! i take it to the desk where the barely legal guy behind the counter tells me that they're out of rebate forms and that i shoud go to the rebate website instead. to which my immediate response was, "couldn't find an adult to supervise your use of the copy machine, huh?" but i held back and took the sheet that he gave me with the internet address on it.

between then and now, i've not really given it that much thought. i'll go to the website, print out the form, and mail it in. done. rebate-a-usual. wrong. you have to register it on the website. what's worse is that even though you must register information like your email address (which is required by the site for the processing of your rebate), mailing adress, occupation, and phone number, you have to go through all of those steps to get to the actual rebate form, which you still have to print out and mail in. what? i give you all of my contact info online, and i still have to print out and mail in the damn form? so here's my dilemma: is it worth $5.50 to have my email address, mailing address, and phone number, as well as other demographic information sold to whoever this website sells such information to? is it worth $5.50 to give them my required contact information, but false demographic information just so that i can tell where i got on the list for, say, junk mail targeted to people who have a career in mining?

i find it pretty amazing the businesses people can build to make money from nothing. i mean, really, they're probably getting twice the money they're giving me for selling my info to bigger companies. maybe i should just sell all of my info myself...

and, while i'm on my little "the internet is making money off of my information" soap box, doesn anyone remember when soft drinks had games in them? like look under the cap and spell the name of the seventh dwarf and win a car? or when cany bars had instant win games and you had to be careful when you opened the wrapper so you wouldn't tear the game piece in half? or when cereal boxes actually had toys in them? toys! in the box! it was awesome! but no more. it's either a crappy word find on the outside of the box, or a website where you can go, enter your parents' contact info, and you win nothing but a computer virus and some pop ups. big fucking deal. i want to go back to instant gratification, when my only obligation was to purchase the product. i don't want to give up my email adress, which has probably already been sold around the world twice already. i want a prize in my hand right now, and i want it to be a choking hazard, not meant for children under 3 years of age!

i've got 19 more days to decide...

in the mean time, serè estudiando español.

are you there life? it's me, bri

remember those cuttings you were going to plant? and that blog post you were going to make? and those pictures from michigan and your sister's wedding that you were going to post? remember how you were going to re-do your friends photo album and update the books and cds on your sidebar? remeber that your motorcycle needs an oil change, and both the cat and jennie want to cuddle with you?

gone. all gone. do you know what you're going to do instead? you're going to study. you're going to read your biology book, write sequences in sigma notation, y tu estudiaras espanol until school says you're good and smart enough to go to another school for 7 more years.

got it?

what are you doing? you can't be reading a book if you're looking at your computer. go!

four hours, and all i got was this lousy graph paper

turns out the palpitations might not have been a panic attack. while it's true that i have been freaking out, in my own stealthy freaking out way, about financing my latest academic venture, it is also true that my heart has been stubbing its toe inside my chest every 4 minutes for the last 2 days.

when i got home from work today, the irregular thumping was making me so nervous that jennie jumped on the "what's wrong, are you sure there's nothing wrong" wagon over the phone immediately after i finished my introductory "hi." after i told her what was going on, she made me promise to call the er to at least discuss the possibility of my worthiness. after the nurse at meriter told me that she couldn't give medical advice over the phone, i called the only person i knew who could: my mom. i almost started crying while i was on the phone with her. i felt so helpless and stupid for not knowing what was wrong with me or what to do about it. mom says that it's better to be safe than sorry, so i went. jennie even got snarky marty to cover the rest of her shift so she could take me.

long story short, here is my er experience by the numbers:
2. number of staff at the triage desk.
30. number of people in the waiting room by the time we got in.
4. number of hours we were there.
5. number of minutes spent in the company of a doctor.
20. number of minutes spent in the company of other er staff. including the cabinet stocking woman who giggled at jennie while she read to me about the caloric values of snack foods from shape magazine.
8,000. number of times my heart palpated while i was there and hooked up to a monitor that nobody was watching.
2 1/2. number of times my heart palpated while someone else was looking.
0. number of echocardiograms i recieved.
1. number of custard filled doughnuts jennie brought me from greenbush when we were finally set free.

and after all of that, i recieved:
* a copy of my ecg, which indicates that my atrium is more excited about contracting than my ventricle.
* a blurb about palpitation that basically states exactly what i told the triage nurse when i walked in
* a blurb about not finding anything wrong with me that would be causing such palpitations.
* vague instructions to avoid caffiene, tea, alcohol, and tobacco.
* vague instructions to make an appointment with my primary, asap. including: "you can reach your doctor by calling their clinic phone number." handy.

my train of thought just totally derailed, and i can't even think of anything more to write. i blame the palpitations.

palpitations are my new scapegoat.

can't find the keys? ask those pesky palpitations...

my brain outsourced the task of list making to my blog

my sister’s wedding
it’s over. it’s finally over. i wore the dress, i let a dude lead me down an aisle, and, yes, there are pictures. if you want to see them, bidding starts now. really, though, as surly as i am about the entire business of the white wedding, all was pretty fine and good. i felt like i earned my maid of honor status by staying up all night before the wedding working on a project that my sister decided had to be done at thelastminute, and then got up at dawn to decorate for the reception while the other girls slept in and had their hair done. also, my mom was so distracted by the time dinner was over that she didn’t even protest to my ditching of the dress for a tux shirt and pants. aaand i got to dance cheek to cheek with jennie. to unchained melody. in the presence of my entire family. hopefully, leanne started eating again, and she and darrin are having the honeymoon of their lives up there in duluth. maybe they’ll come to madison some day and we can teach them how to drink so that next time they get married, they won’t have to do it sober.

a weekend with cable television
gender is not the same as sex.
GENDER IS NOT THE SAME AS SEX.
GENDER IS NOT THE SAME AS SEX!
gender is determined by several factors that include society and personal preferences. sex is determined by gonads and chromosomes.
while i was at my parents’ house last weekend, jennie and i watched this cbs episode in horror as they claimed that "kids with extreme gender nonconformity usually grow up to be gay." just because one of the identical twin boys says he was supposed to be a girl, DOESN’T MEAN HE’S GAY! it means he’s transgender. he may very well also be gay, but not necessarily. what if he identifies as female, becomes a woman, and dates men? would that make him straight? what if he identifies as female and dates women, does that make him a lesbian? who cares? also, what about gender nonconformity? does that mean that female professional athletes are all lesbians? or that all male hairdressers or chefs or stay at home dads are gay? of course not! dear CBS: stop propagating stereotypes! it's like saying that all people who go to college are smart, or that everything you see on tv is true. also, "straight men tend to be shallow in terms of focusing on looks. gay men are shallow, too. straight men are more interested than straight women in having casual, uncommitted sex. gay men are like that, too." what?! you're a scientist at northwestern university? who the fuck gave you a grant to get on network television and announce stereotypical and absolute bullshit like "gay men are shallow" like it's fucking science? i'm not saying that stereotypes are wrong and that there is no difference between gay and straight people, i'm just saying that if you're going to talk about it like you've got some kind of authority, don't say that little girls who get video taped playing with trucks as toddlers are for sure going to grow up to be gay. fuck you. that's not science. i feel like finding out why people are gay is a setup for some kind of finger pointing big gay witch hunt. nothing good will come of this. why can't we just be gay? it's not a disease, why do we have to find out what causes it?

mufflers
this is a public notice:
if you drive by my house after midnight or before 8am, and your vehicle is either missing a muffler or utilizes pipes which amplify the sound of your unnecessarily rapid acceleration, i will hunt you down and set said vehicle on fire. ON. FUCKING. FIRE.

speaking of profanity…
this book had me laughing so hard that i almost peed my pants in public. on the web site, under the giant F are the a tiny little words “this way” and “that way.” click them to look at pictures. my favorite is “emergency fuck-off switch.” you’ll see.

panic attack?
so i found out this morning, that the scholarship that i recieved from the lgbt alumni association actually lowered the amount of financial aid that i accepted, thereby leaving me just over $100 after the payment of my tuition. sweet, i get $100, right? no. i had originally accepted financial aid in tuition excess of $1,000 so that i could pay off my student health insurance plan with it. rather, pay off the credit card that i payed for my ship with. now, right off the bat, i've got books and health insurance to pay for out of pocket. the more i thought about it, the more i started to freak out about not being able to make it through school. how the fuck am i going to go to medical school when i can't also be working a full time job? am i even going to be able to make it through the rest of my undergrad working 4 days a week? can i afford not to? am i going to go crazy before school even starts? on my way to the grocery store after work, i stopped at bongo to say hi to jennie, who suggested that my vague sense of illness and weirdly persistent heart palpitations was due to a panic attack. it makes me even more panicky when i almost can't help but panic about panicking. she also calmly explained to me that becoming a student means that i'm going to go in to debt. i just am. if this is what going in to debt for the very first time at age 25 feels like, i'm not sure i'm going to make it. three sarcastic cheers for going back to school. and owing people money.

fair wisconsin rummage sale
did you or someone you know move recently and have six boxes of stuff that didn't get unpacked since the last time you or they moved? did you or someone you know move recently and lose six boxes of stuff you or they could really use? do you or someone you know want to help fair wisconsin and the queers and allies of the state of wisconsin beat a proposed state constitutional ban on homo marriage? if you answered yes to any or all of these questions, you should call or email me for details on how you can donate or purchase items for sale. the vague when and where is that it is near my house on the weekend of september 9th. all money raised via the sale of donated items will be donated to fair wisconsin. also, if you've got folding tables, sawhorses, or anything that can be used as vertical space for rummage sale goods, please call or email me.

OMG! i almost forgot about hockey!
thanks to kristina's last minute meeting invitation, i have officially become part of the madison gay hockey association. starting some time in september, my sunday nights will be spent on the ice learning how to play hockey. it's going to be a little uncomfortable buying all of the gear, but i've heard that patrick, the guy in charge, has equipment purchasing down to a fine science. and i may even be able to save some cash by buying youth sizes. heh, heh. being small can have it's rewards. one of the local news channels might even tag along. apparently, queers playing sports is newsworthy. maybe some day they'll get to that piece about us having jobs and paying taxes. 'till then, check out my hockey profile!

it's over!