here you have it

a day for bloggers

according to my trusty page-a-day bathroom calender, today is official "ask a stupid question day." but since there's no such thing as a stupid question, does today exist? that's supposed to be funny... it's a stupid question... right?...

anyway... so here's your assignment:
ask me a stupid question. i'll answer it. i'll be like the advice columns in the entertainment section of the newspaper, only your questions are *meant* to be stupid, and my answers are *meant* to be funny.

talk amongst yourselves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
edited to add:
wow! stupid question day got such an awesome response that i couldn't keep up with all of your quizzery! i have decided to put all of the questions and answers in the body of the post, rather than in the comments, so that my answers are in order with the questions, since i do not have the ability to respond directly to comments in the order in which they were posted. so, without any further ado, here you have it:

Q: Why did the most recent episodes of Star Wars suck so much when the earlier episodes were so good?
~Mo

A: thank you, mo, for your participation in my little game! to answer your question, i just sat up all night watching all three recent episodes of star wars. ok, i watched the trailers for all three recent episodes of star wars. it is apparent to me that george lucas has not actually watched any movies since he made "return of the jedi" in 1983. since which time, there have been dramatic advances in imaging technology and special effects. in 1999, lucas decided to start watching movies again, and went to see "the matrix," the perfect climax of the era of special effects, computer generated imagery, and carrie-anne moss. the movie was so awesome that lucas became addicted to special effects. his friends were all worried about him, but couldn't find a place to send him for rehab becasue the clinics were only admitting people with *chemical* addictions. so instead of group therapy and 12 step programs, lucas decided to work out his high tech obsessions by making not 1, but 3 movies. 3 terrible movies that ended up being mostly computer generated imagery and a few real people, including natalie portman, who he had to settle for after carrie-anne moss turned him down because she was too creeped out by his obsession with things that aren't real.

Q: how is it that carrie-anne moss is so damn hottt?
~jennie

A: the answer to your question, jennie, probably lies somewhere in your genetics textbook. also, she was born in canada. other awesome things that are made in canada include: general motors' impala, dockers, kenmore appliances, adbusters, and the harcore teenage grrrl band, kittie.

Q: Where *does* the dryer put all those socks of mine that it is hoarding, anyway??
~Joy

A: excellent question, joy. something that everyone should know is that there is actually a black hole located somewhere in the vicinity of most drying machines. since nobody has yet either proven or disproven the existence of black holes in general, it is entirely impossible to name their exact locations. however, thanks to the hard work of ren and stimpy, who, in an episode of their first season, got sucked into one of these holes, found the universe's repository for such missing socks on a strange, mutation inducing planet. while we're not exactly sure where this planet is, we do know that it has at least one bus stop with service to (but not from) new jersey. also, all of the socks found on the planet were left socks. so if you're missing your right ones, i'm going to have to tell you that i do not know. ah, the universe and its mysteries.

Q: Why is it that when some men grow older, they become more distinguished, but as I grow older, I just get cellulite? And another thing, how does someone determine which day of the year is going to be stupid question day? Ooops, that was two stupid questions. Is there a limit? Ooops, that's three. I better quit while I'm ahead...
~Mike

A: you should be glad i'm so fond of you, mike, otherwise i'd have chosen to answer your last question only and then laughed at myself for being so clever. to answer your first question, i looked up the word "distinguished" in the dictionary, and got a lame answer about being dignified, which i also looked up. what i eventually came up with is that you're asking me why some people gain nobility, respect, esteem, and honor, while you gain cellulite. is that right? then your answer is this: fuck society for making you believe that distinguished people do not have cellulite, and that if you do have cellulite, you cannot be distinguished. it's a lie. told by the corporate, money driven, poison spewing cosmetic industries of the world. shame on them for making us believe that beauty and distinction lie only on and directly underneath our skin. i think cellulite means that you eat well and are probably a good cook, both of which i know are true about you. so, fuck 'em. as to your second question: congratulations, you win the stupidest question of ask-a-stupid-question day award!! if you'll read back to the very beginning of my original post, you will see that it was my page-a-day bathroom calender that told me that september 28th is ask-a-stupid-question day. do you challenge the page-a-day bathroom calender? why do you hate america? and to your third question, the answer is: apparently not. you must be the king of stupid questions.

Q: Is it too late for me to ask a stupid question?
~Drew

A: apparently not. see, drew, here in america, we have certain freedoms that get fought for every day by the men and women of our military, and those fine people we elect to capitol hill. one of those rights, drew, is to be able to ask questions. not actually *of* the military or our elected officials, because, of course, that would make us terrorists. but we can ask general questions. vague ones that don't stir anyone up. stupid questions. every day. my post is in celebration on one day of stupid questions for stupid questions every day. thank you all for celebrating with me.

since i am feeling so festive, i am going to leave you all with my favorite stupid question of all time,
"is this going to hurt?"

funny but sad

the numbers show kicked some major ass. i missed half of trin trAn's set, but the second band, limited express (has gone?) fucking rawked some major shit. as did numbers. as expected.

i don't know what's worse: having nobody to share with, or having people hate what you're trying to give them.

the drag report: part 2

and now, the rest of the story.

for all of the details and visuals in one very complete package, check out the very newly published photo album on the left sidebar called dragaganza. there, you will find terrible photos of my very first beard, and awesome photos of my legendary drag performances. read it there yourself, because i'm done telling the story. but you can still feel free to tell me how awesome i am. i'm never done with that :)

i am hoping to be able to participate in a drag show again. it was beyond a ton of fun. beyond even and ass-ton and a metric shit-ton. combined!

extra special thanks to *me* for making the drag album and this post possible by calling sbc at least a dozen times in the last 4 weeks, trying to figure out why the hell the internet service in my house didn't work. i have a hard time blogging or even concentrating in general in coffee shops, which is where i've been having to nurture my internet addiction for the last few weeks. today, after i'd been on the phone for over an hour, when that green light came on, i thought i was going to pass out from relief. although, i must say, the new coffee shop just down willy street, called 'escape' is a really great place to hang out all afternoon. they've got way better hours than evp, and way better coffee than mother fools' so it totally works. they've also got super duper tasty bakery (i met the bakery lady today) and super friendly staff. the owner of the store even high-fived me today! i think i'm their only regular so far because i've hung out there two afternoons this week, and by two afternoons, i mean at least 4 hours. though i have internet access at home now, i think i'll try to stop in there when i want some coffee or chai to read or doodle or something.

anyway, so check out the photo album!

do it now!

the drag report: part 1

it's done. i lived through it. i brought the house down.

there really aren't any words that i could use that would do the events of sunday night the justice they deserve.

saturday night was facial hair practice night. i assigned alona to be my drag coach not only because i feel like she's got the best fashion sense of anyone on the team, but also because she's got the spirit gum/crepe hair set up. since beards and facial hair in general aren't really the trend right now, i felt like i wanted to try for a stubble look, thinking that i could paste the hair on and then trim it for a barely there sort of look. i was completely denied. it totally doesn't work that way. so i filled in the patchy spots and went with a full beard. it took me an hour. it was awful. then we went to the shamrock. with a full beard. i started freaking out because drag felt like the hugest and most humiliating lie i could ever attempt. who was i fooling? what had i gotten myself into?

and then i realized that a drag *show* is totally different than putting on fake facial hair and going to the bar where half of the people already know who you are. drag isn't about fooling your friends. or anyone, really. it's an act. not a lie. acting is for stages, not for hanging out at the bar with your friends.

part 2 to follow. the coffee shops are all closed and SBC hasn't activated my DSL yet. jerks. don't they know i write at night?!

ps
part 2 will hopefully include a photo album of my drag experience. hold on to your pants!

listen up!

before i get into what i need from you, i feel the need to share: caffiene is a BAD idea. coffee sets my intestines ON FIRE and makes me ridiculously hyper and giddy all at the same time. to the point where i am dancing in my chair right now at mother fools coffee shop to the music in my headphones, partly because i'm SO jacked up and partly because my abdomen is ready to either eat itself or explode, alien style.

here's what i need from you:

1. money. this coming saturday, i will be walking in madison's only AIDS walk to benefit the AIDS network of southern wisconsin. i know that many of you have been hit up for donations to help the hurricane victims, so i'm not going to be a jerk about asking you for money, but know that the money that you pledge to me for this event will help fund things like AIDS research and education right here in wisconsin. i know that you know how important that is, so i won't make a big speech. if you're interested in donating a few dollars, get ahold of me somehow (if you don't have my phone number, there is a link to my email address on my about page, otherwise you can always leave a comment and i'll get ahold of you), and we'll work it out. thank you thank you thank you thank you.

2. advice. this coming sunday, i will be participating in a drag show to benefit the madison gay softball league. for a month now i've been totally excited about it, as i've never ever done drag before and this is going to be a ridiculously fun and silly show. but i started to panic yesterday: i've never done drag before. i don't know what the hell i'm doing. i don't have a drag name, and i don't have a second song. I ALSO DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING! HELP! if you have any ideas for names, songs, pointers on how to not make an ass of myself, PLEASE let me know.

3. your presence. if you're going to be in madison next sunday, you should attend the big fund raising drag show at club 5, 9pm. 100% of the money raised will go to help fund madison's gay and lesbian softball league. this league isn't just about getting together to play ball, it's an AMAZING support network. seriously. i don't know where i'd be without the support i've gotten from the people i've met through playing ball. along with what is rumored to be the most hilarious drag show ever, there will be raffles and prizes and lots and lots of fun. and if nothing else, you can bear witness to me making a TOTAL FOOL of myself in public. you can feel sorry for me and put dollars in my pants.

listening to:
red hot chili peppers in my headphones, in an attempt to drown out weird coffee shop music that's not nearly as hyper as i am. waaaaaaaaeeeeeeeee!!!!!

escape to indulgence

"if you want something intelligent, go read a book. television is an escape."

i never thought i'd say it, but, right you are, jerry springer.

after a strangely frustrating few days at home, i decided that i needed to get out of town for a couple days. an escape from what's become my every day life. i decided that i needed to visit my parents.

so since i've got things to do in madison this weekend, i'm spending the end of the week here. what am i doing while my parents are at work? nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

unless you count my COMPLETE indulgence in:

~cable tv: the original bbc version of whose line is it anyway?, never ending headline news, the new season of reno 911, THE DAILY SHOW, and ads for some show on vh1 where gene simmons tells a bunch of british prep school kids that they suck at making music. ha ha, little kids! i am also going to completely embrace my complete amusement when adults tell kids that they suck. HAH!!

~a solid internet connection: it never stops. my computer it ALWAYS connected to the internet. in fact, i can watch tv, eat junk food, AND post, email, read internet news and blogs all at THE SAME TIME! this is great!

~sugar: since the closest grocery store to my house is an organic food co-op, i tend to eat a lot of organic, low sugar content, minimally processed food. aside from ben & jerry's cherry garcia or a very occasional box of cheezits, my sugary snacks consist mostly of dried pineapple rings or organic granola bars. here, i have full access to lucky charms, oreo cookie pop tarts, jif peanut butter, at least 6 different kinds of soda, sunny delight, and home made chocolate chip cookies. mmm. tasty.

~family: so far, the only thing that i was afraid of happening happened. good to get that out of the way early. my sister is getting married next summer and wants me to be a bridesmaid. this means that i'm going to have to either be a good sister and submit to the traditional dress and ceremony, or be an asshole. i feel like i'd have to sell more than just my soul to get them to let me wear a tux instead. on the other hand, i'm not getting the 3rd degree about not yet having a job. in fact, my dad let me know twice that i could move back home if i needed to. i don't, but it's awesome to know that i've got that support. i slept last night like i haven't slept in months.

~bar games: when my parents built their house, they made the basement into a bar. a full bar, complete with bar signs, neon beer signs, pool table, video games, pinball tables, and everything else you can think of to do in a bar. i am planning on working on my pool skills this evening. maybe i'll win this time, and not on a technicality.

i've also had a lot of time to think about the changes that are going on in my life. i haven't reached any huge conclusions, but i have been able to separate some of who i am from the person i became in the last year of my life. i spent so much time relying on validation from other people, that i forgot how to do it for myself. i forgot how to recognise and ask for what i need. the times, they are a' changin'.

help.

ever wonder what you can do to help make the world a better place? still have that extra pile of stuff you found when you moved last month? don't throw it out, people need it. skip that boredom and homework avoidant trip to the bar this wednesday night, and spend those beer pitcher dollars on helping people. karma works. read more:

from madisonindymedia.org:

Madison Community Responding to Crisis in New Orleans
by Mike Neuman
03 Sep 2005

A group of citizens and clergy from Madison Zion Baptist Church will be sending 5 empty Van Galder buses to the Katrina hurricane stricken area on Tuesday to pick up 40 families and bring them back to Madison, as early as Friday next week. Apartments have already been found for the families, but monetary and other donations are needed to cover the first 2 months of rent and provide basic house ware needs for the families.

Money/checks can be taken to the Dane County Credit Union (checks made out to "Katrina Disaster Fund") today by noon. Clothing and house ware contributions can be taken to Mt. Zion Baptist Church, 2019 Fisher St., Madison (the sooner the better).

Through the volunteer efforts of Rev. Rick Jones (Mt. Zion Baptist Church), Rita Dair, Regina Ryhne and others, five empty Van Galder buses are scheduled to leave the Madison area community on Tuesday, September 6, and return by the weekend with 40 homeless families from the Katrina hurricane stricken area. Apartments have already been found for the families and are being readied for use; however, rent money, clothes and house ware donations are urgently needed.

Monetary donations are needed to cover the first 2 months of rent for these families (until federal assistant payments become available), to purchase sanitary supplies, diapers, bedding and other living
supplies.

Monetary donations - made out to the "Katrina Disaster Fund" - may be taken or sent in to the Dane County Credit Union at 2160 Rimrock Road (near the Alliant Center).

Clothing and house ware donations should be dropped off behind the new addition at Mt. Zion Baptist Church, 2019 Fisher Street, Madison.

Call Regina Rymes 294-8667 for more information.

edit to add:
want some new music while helping the hurricane disaster relief at the same time? visit cdbaby.com where you can browse a huge gallery of music wherein the ENTIRE wholesale price of the cds will be donated to the american red cross disaster relief fund.

break it down

here's how it's gonna be: crappy.

1. the internet connection situation at my house is really fucked up right now, so my posts are going to be really sporadic and probably kindof not so fulfilling for a while. especially since my writing style changes, and i think i do my best in the middle of the night when i'm all comfied up in my room with my kitty sleeping happily on my lap, and notsomuch in the middle of the day in coffee shops during caffiene highs.

2. i am sick. fuck this shit. i had a ridiculous fever one night (everyone join me in thanking jennie for comforting me when my head was going to explode, and making me take tylenol every 4 hours), and was SURE i had strep because my throat was swollen, red, and BLISTERING. so i went to urgent care and got antibiotics and thought all would be well. until it spread to my chest and sinuses. at which point i called urgent care and asked about the strep test i'd had. negative. thanks for calling me back, fuckers. after talking to a VERY UNhelpful nurse, i stopped taking the antibiotics because they make my vagina VERY ANGRY, and am now treating my respiratory system with herbals. so if i'm cranky, it's partly because i can't breathe, and partly because i have to leave the house to access the internet.

3. my ex girlfriend is being a BAD ex girlfriend. i almost have full anxiety attacks when i check my email. it's ridiculous. so if you see her, please advise her to pay me back the almost $3,000 that she still owes me, and to stop sending me emails saying that she still wants me and that we wouldn't have broken up if i would have encouraged her to explore her desires for other womyn. i feel crazy. totally insane. as in, i feel like i could be a character in one of bjork's animated music videos. yeah.

1+2+3 = not cool.

extra special thanks to sleater-kinney for writing something i can wrap my wounds in:
...i've got this curse in my hands
all i touch fades to black
turns to dust turns to sand
i've got this curse on my tongue
all i taste is the rust
this decay in my blood...

when the moment strikes
it takes you by surprise and
leaves you naked
in the face of death and life
there is no righteousness
in your darkest moment
we're all equal in the face
of what we're most afraid of
and I'm so sorry
for those who didn't make it
and for the mommies
who are left with their heart breaking
search for meaning in sores
the sentences they might form
it's the grammar of skin
peel it back, let me in
look for hope in the dark
the shadow cast by your heart
it's the grammar of faith
no more rules, no restraint..."

jennie, your name is bigger and in bold.

it's also the title of the post.

so carmen, i'm totally fucking serious. i love the stuff you make, and i want it to be posted somewhere that isn't as strange to navigate as craftster.org. i never would have found it had i not site searched (i just made up that term right now) for your screen name.

so jennie, now your name is in italics!

hello, everyone. my friend carmen makes really really really cool stuff. she's talented in a very serious way. she likes to show off her stuff, and with good reason. but she's too shy to post anything online. she's even to shy to leave comments on my blog, but apparently so are most of the rest of you, unless you're the same four people hitting my site 13 times each, every day.

jennie, i'm totally honored that you want copies of the pictures that i took. seriously.

i digress... so the thing that i'm wanting to do for carmen, and for myself, really, because i think her stuff is so damn cool, is to make a sort of online catalog. not so much for people to want to buy or copy or get sewing tricks from, but for people to simply admire, as i do, and hopefully even leave little notes of appreciation.

by the way, jennie, i'm totally jealous of the heart shirt that's yours and not mine. but it's totally ok, because it's way easier for me to admire it when i'm not the one wearing it.

maybe i could do it as a photo album within my blog space. i could even start her her own blog, as a branch of greenambition which would not cost me anything, and could include photos of carmen's stuff, maybe along with other stuff that all of my crafty friends create. i am buzzing with ideas of how to make this work and how to show off all of the crazy talent that is my friends, because when i see something cool, i want EVERYONE to see it too (and maybe, just maybe, posting the coolness that is my friends will make the mediocrity that is my writing just a little bit more bearable). i'm not so much interested in a space to trade secrets, i just want a place to show off cool stuff, and maybe to explore inspiration as well. maybe. i don't know yet.

so jennie, i know that carmen's name still appears more times in this post than yours, but are you feeling a little bit more in? at least a little? really though, there are a ton more pictures of you. i just thought i'd point that out. and as long as i'm pointing things out, i just feel the need to let you and everyone know that i'm feeling a bit silly right now. no, i am not on drugs.

so tell me what you think! tell carmen what you think! i need some feedback, is it something that you'd be interested in checking out? would you email me pictures of *your* crafty stuff so i could post it? should i make it just a photo album, or it's own blog? why do you read my site, anyway? FEEDBACK! I WANT FEEDBACK!!

also, and this is BIG NEWS:
i will be participating in madison's only AIDS walk!! so if you're not walking, i need some pledges! send me your money! all doations go directly to the AIDS network. i'm not sure whether or not it stays here in wisconsin, but really, every little bit helps. so check out the official info and SEND ME YOUR DOLLARS!

fair warning

ever since september 11, 2002, i keep hearing people say shit like they're so glad iraq has been freed from it's terrorist regime, and isn't it great that the united states stepped in to give democracy to those people, and THOSE PEOPLE with their violence and UNCIVILIZED MANNERS in those THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES.

TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELVES. the greatest nation on the earth with the biggest military, the biggest economy, and by far the biggest ego, and we can't even help OURSELVES.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

so next time i hear ANYone say ANYthing about "those people" in "the third world" being so inhumane and violent and uncivilized that the united states has to send in their ENTIRE military overseas to teach a lesson in democracy, i'm going to FREAK OUT.

also: it was brought to my attention that, according to yahoo news photo captions, white people "find" things, black people "loot" them.
an acquaintance writes:
It's sad enough that there's been the typical media feeding frenzy, less interested in telling us what's happening to people down there, some of whom might be our friends and loved ones, but rather just doing their real jobs, which is to get viewers, sell papers, and gain web site hits through sensationalism and doom-saying. Sadder still what we should watch victims of this storm selectively criminalized based on the color of their skin for trying to survive. Along side stories of "senseless looting" we'll see stories of "heroic survivors"; these stories will be divided by race.

congratulations, america.

**edit to add**
so i just looked through almost 700 photos in an album on news.yahoo.com, and found that, while there are still PLENTY of pictures of black people "looting" things, the picture of the white people "finding" things has been removed due to "photo language contraversy."