here you have it

satiation

food.
nutritious home made dinner. i've been suffering from a severe lack of motivation the last few weeks, and yesterday i finally made myself a dinner that was actually nutritionally sound. i almost took a picture. i almost cried.

friends.
comfortable hanging out. i bustled around the house yesterday trying to remember that i'm supposed to move myself out soon and that i really should get on that packing thing. i had 4 kick ass cds and the time to blast them all while tasking here and there. molly came home and we hung out while i ate and i was almost late getting ready for the night's events because pulp fiction was on, and there was some drama, but she appeared at exactly the right moment and let me talk and was just here and my relief the most palpable thing i've felt in a while. exhale. and then i went to the high noon in grrreat company and met about 20 people and had a fucking grrreat time.

music.
punk fucking rawk. the mosh could have gone on a little bit longer, but it didn't matter at that point. there are three things that i longingly miss about rochester, and one of them was relieved last night. it was like the pla-mor all over again, with the addition of legal liquor. i kept thinking i was seeing people from my old crew, and it made me miss them even harder. the way meghan and i used to tear up the mosh pit... the way brock, as my honorary big brother, used to watch out for me while rawking the most awesome pair of diy metal wings i have *ever* seen... the way chris seriously thought i was the messiah, and would introduce me to people as such... the way lauren said, "brrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiii!"... the way jess was always singing and smiling and greeting me with big warm hugs... the way everyone greeted eachother with big warm hugs... yeah. last night was fucking great. i didn't realize just how much music had slipped from my life in the last year. while i mourn that, i am thoroughly enjoying my dive right back in. sorry, dawn's no longer with us, screamin' cyn cyn and the pons is my new favorite local band. wow. i haven't had a favorite local band for a really long time. again, palpable relief.

food.
could've died happy. i got *exactly* what my body craved this morning at monte's. grrreat company, grrreat food. it was all i could do to keep from drooling all over myself and falling off of my stool onto the floor. a meteorite could have destroyed the earth and i wouldn't have cared. i actually felt intoxicated. yeah, it was *that* good.

sleep.
refreshing hard sleeeeeep. could have stayed right out there on the sidewalk. it was a beautiful night. two consecutive nights of good hard sleep have done wonders for my will. i even took a little nap inthe recliner this afternoon while molly and paul watched the republican national convention portion of the daily show's indecision 2004. i woke up just in time to see snippets of zell miller's keynote address. oh. my. gawd. he actually later challenged chris matthews to a duel. a *duel!* what the hell? but the nap was nice.

this week is going to be bat shit crazy. i get a feeling i'm going to get a litte crazy myself. so please bear with me. one week left at my job, one week to move out of my apartment and into a new one, one week till michigan. inhale...

listening to:
itunes on random...
liz phair: whitechocolatespaceegg
dance hall crashers: everything to lose
ani difranco: welcome to

ps
it *did* rain last night. it wasn't just dew. damnit.

i've found a new love

she is *way* more powerful than i am.
she made that very clear from the very first touch.
she is *the* stone butch that i'll never be.
she hasn't even told me her name yet.
and after a bit of initial drama
(but you'll have that, right?),
she and i are going to be together for a long time.
my first love.

upside down cake

"barn's burned down... now i can see the moon."
~masahide

mayhaps i will expound later, when everything has stopped swimming. though, part of that fluid feeling is probably due to the increasingly troublesome amounts of mucous that is accumulating in my head and chest, i will say this: the social part was easy, but i've got an emotional grudge the size of jupiter. it's even got it's own gravity. this is going to be interesting.

done and almost done

so i finally got a chance to sit down and load up the rest of the softball season photos. unfortunately, there aren't pictures from every game, and i don't have time to caption them right no, so you're just going to have to deal. you can feel free to look at the pictures, but the captions are half the fun, so if you're into delayed gratification, i suggest you wait until tomorrow evening.

it is *so* time for bed.

until next time, here's shannon blowtorch to wish you all sweet dreams...

in my ears:
garbage - hammering in my head
"you should be sleeping, my love, tell me what you're dreaming of..."

pride

uh... what day is it? this weekend has been a *blur* of events, heat, volunteering responsibilities, heat, meeting people, heat, about 8 cumulative hours of sleep, and heat. this weekend was also the very first time that beer actually quenched my thirst.

quick version recap (partly because my memories are all kindof blurry, and partly because i know you don't really want *all* of the details):

friday: outreach awards banquet. pretty cool. felt good to be among the people in the community that actually works to change things. i was simultaneously humbled, empowered, and terrified. met some cool people, then stayed at the shamrock in grrreat company until bar time.

saturday: up early to retrieve my car from downtown before heading to the festival grounds to volunteer at the softball tent. they had little carnival games to raise money for the league. it was great fun in the ways that hanging out with tom was awesome, talking to people about our softball leagues was awesome, getting people to play games was awesome, just being a part of the community was awesome. i met lots of people and had lots of fun, but it was *hot.* i drank 3 bottles of water and 2 big cups of beer and didn't have to pee until i got home at 7ish. after a short resting period, i headed back out to the shamrock to meet some people to go to the club. again, in grrreat company, we danced our asses off until bar time.

sunday: the parade! up early *again.* 4 hours of sleep because it's just too damn hot to sleep, and, well, i stayed out all night. oh well. i can handle one more day. we decorated a trailer behind toni's truck with home made posters to represent the 6 monday night teams, plus one for the rough riders and one for the L team. we threw little packets of sunflower seeds, and little gumballs painted like softballs. oh. my. gawd. the parade was *so* freaking fun. i had even decorated my bat with streaming rainbow crepe paper and stood in the bed of the truck and waved it around. after the parade, i volunteered at the festival for the rest of the evening doing security, which pretty much meant that i kept an eye on the fences while mingling with people. i was relieved from my duties just in time to rawk out to all the pretty horses, which was *exactly* the music i had been craving. shannon blowtorch is my new favorite person (next to ellis, and carrie brownstien, of course). with a little encouragement, i even talked to her for a little while. wow. freaking wow. *so* intense. so after an all-the-pretty-horses-gasm, i went home and crashed. hard.

monday: day off. i knew i'd need it. my weekend schedule was crazy busy even before all of the heat and the celebrating. so much excitement, in fact, that i've almost completely lost my voice. and after the most sleep i've gotten in days (which really didn't take much), i am planning on hanging out and taking it easy for the rest of the day.

tomorrow: the big tournament game. we're in a 3-way tie for 1st place in the 2nd round. it will be settled tomorrow. first game is at 6:30. if we win, we play again at 7:30. this is going to be a historic event. i've even heard rumors of people bringing a keg. we're going to pack that park. people *love* the L team. hot damn! hopefully we'll give 'em a show to remember. and if we lose, we'll be surrounded by grrreat people. i even took wednesday morning off of work. hah!

ok, so that wasn't as short a recap as i had anticipated, but neither was the weekend. i haven't been this busy in a long long time. it felt good to be doing a small little something for the community. it felt good to meet new people. it felt good to just be.

plus, i now have a small following of gay men who think i'm fantastic :D

thanks to all who helped maked this weekend *awesome.* and if you've got air conditioning, give me a call, because you're my new best friend.

ps
pictures coming soon!!!

my nephew, yeah, he's about, well, my size...

yesterday, i reached a new low. i had a luna bar, half a bag of doritos munchees, and a miller light. for dinner. no wonder i was so cranky. plus, there was a big hairy spider in the bathroom that the cat flat out refused to eat. but that's not the point.

today i dragged myself to work on my bike, choked down some of the cafeteria's horrid "alfredo" and noodles (the only vegetarian option besides lettuce salad in the cafeteria outlet near my department) and made myself bike back again. this is completely mind over matter, and i will not let myself go any farther. when i got home, i cranked up L7's "hungry for stink," tackled the small mountain of dishes that had accumulated over the week, and made myself a right dinner of fresh co-op green beans and something called "savory" tofu, which i actually managed to burn in the microwave, but it was still a vast improvement over the cafeteria's "alfredo." it ended up tasting a lot like what i remember of hot dogs.

so i guess that's my story today. will. i will. i fucking will.

but then i decided that i didn't want to wear what i had picked out for the banquet tomorrow, so i went shopping. at the mall. alone. the only thing i hate more than the mall itself is having to buy something there, especially without moral support. then again, sometimes even that backfires and the conversations between me and the moral supporter actually draw more attention than i would have gotten quietly and alone. i know, i could go to the thrift store or somewhere else, but really, when you're a 24 year old gender queer womyn, and you're the size of a 14 year old, clothes are tricky. especially when you're shopping with the soccer moms in the boys' section.

ugh. i hate pretending that i'm shopping for my nephew when sales people ask me what i'm looking for. why do i do that? ugh.

after midnight and raining

tonight was the last regular season game for the L team. i know i say this almost every game, but this was the best game we've played yet. the L team has changed my life, through meeting people, through helping me find my confidence again, through feeling like a functional part of something, through feeling loved and respected and appreciated.

tonight was fan*freaking*tastic all the way around. especially since i took tomorrow morning off of work so i wouldn't have to worry about it tonight. hah!

so now, after all of the excitement and friends and commotion, i am finally still. the rain is falling, soft and cool outside the window next to my head.

inhale.

stillness. silence.

exhale.

the ache of the muscles in my throwing arm and in my neck where that bastard wasp attacked me this morning.

inhale.

the promise of future and the wonder of life.

exhale.

anticipation. wanting.

it's cool enough tonight that i will be able to snuggle myself up into a "nest" (as my grandma used to call it) of blankets and warmth and security. the balance is perfect and, with any luck, i'll get some good sleep this time.

hearing in my head, voice too worn out to sing otherwise i'd be all over this one:
the all american rejects' "the cigarette song"
"...one place
one place
slipped away and
missed call
missed calls
i can't stay too late
she’s gone
i will miss her voice
her eyes
and love's first kiss

i can't remind you all the time
bring it back
bring it back
to where we were before
i can't remind you all the time
no, no
bring it back
bring it back..."

the sky is a strange shade of hope and despair

listening to:
godspeed you! black emperor's
f# a# oo

'nuff said.

someday soon, i will make a new photo album of random photos that i like. but not today.

brain dumping

the abruptness of the silence was almost frightening last night. so i sat down in the middle of the floor, finished off that bottle of extra sweet wine, and did some thinking. before i could reach any conclusions, though, i was waking up with the imprint of the carpet on my cheeck and a kink in my neck. again. when i opened my eyes, i realized the time that had passed, and mourned the lack of companion to kiss my cheeck and coax me to bed.

i realized the time. it would have been just about last call. i wondered what she was doing and who she was with. my stomach turned and i coaxed myself to bed.

it's almost all i can do to keep from posting two or three times a day any more. i am realizing just how much stuff gets built up in my head without someone to tell it to. even just random stuff like, why do you think the birds don't come to the feeder i put out last winter, or how was your day or what's going on this week?

since the situation with my job is pretty up in the air right now, people keep asking me what i want to do. how do you answer that? the shorter conversation would be about what i *don't* want to do. i'd like to try everything at least once while i'm still young and agile enough to do it. i wrote this a couple weeks ago:

i want to do everything
i've been a cashier
i've been a copy operator
i've done data entry
i've been a health care professional
i've learned that all jobs or careers
(or that place you go for 8 hours a day
so you can pay for stuff)
have something to be learned

sheep shearer, carpenter, electrician,
artist, punk rocker, sculptor,
bartender, midwife, golf course beer girl
driver, fixer, deliverer
i want it all

i want to learn it the hard way
i want the callouses on my hands
the scars on my knees
the ink in my skin
the depth of my eyes
to tell the story of my life for me
when i'm old
and may not be able to tell it myself

i don't want to earn up to 40 hours of vacation
the first 2 years
plus 10 hours for every five years after that
and then get given a watch or a ribbon
for my lifetime of servitude
as an incredibly inadequate thanks
for my efforts

but i want to be comfortable
financially
to know that i can bail myself out
of almost any mess

and when i'm too old to take care of myself
i want to have the resources to go to one of those
cheesy senior citizen condos
with bingo and board games
close enough to my sister
that maybe her kids
or grandkids
will come to visit regularly
their crazy old aunt
to hear the stories of the places i've gone
and the things i've done

or maybe i'll go out long before that
in a brilliant flash of white white light

but for now
i'll sit in front of the fan
for the first time in my life
opressed by the heat
that i never thought could feel so heavy

i feel heavy
in this heat
in these decisions
even in this body
which is as not heavy
as it's been in years

listening to:
ani difranco's marrow
"cuz i got tossed out the window of love's el camino
and i shattered into a shower of sparks on the curb...
and i'm mired in the marrow of my (well... ain't that) funny bone
learning how to be alone and devastated
where was my conscience?"

wake up

i like weekends because i can thoroughly wake up before i have to shower. i think a lot while i'm in the shower, and this morning i realized something...

last night, some friends and i watched the first half of the last season of queer as folk. i don't really care about the show that much, but it's the last season, and i wanted to hang out with chill friends. in one of the episodes, one of the characters goes on a huge dramatic rant about the club scene versus the domestic scene.

i want to have a home in the community. a safe one. a meaningful one. the battle over LGBT rights in this country is reaching it's breaking point, and i want to be a part of that fight. i'm not saying that i want to buy a house in the 'burbs and raise a flock of children. but i am saying is that if i am going to put my energy into a community, it's not going to be the club scene. i've been there. i've seen the same people every friday night, every saturday night. i've seen the same people with different dates every sunday morning at the cafe. i've spent cash on booze and made out on the dance floor. and for what? a hangover and smelly clothes. i'm not going to sit here and tell you that dancing at the club or going to bars isn't fun, because it can be. but not always.

a week or so ago, the local gay dance club hosted a small drag show to benefit an organization that had just gotten together called SOO FAAb, Save Our Own From Alcohol and chemical Abuse. as with the rest of society, there are plenty of people in the lgbt community with substance abuse issues. the catch is that when they go to treatment, they often get treated like their sexuality is a part of the problem. so instead of dealing directly with the substance issues, a whole mess of other things get tied in, and it can be too much for an already fragile person to handle. this was an event for the *entire* community. who showed up? not many people. the glaring absence? the regulars. nobody from the club scene was there. the people who show up every friday and/or saturday night to "play on" were no where to be found. but from the people who were there, which were not a whole lot, SOO FAAb came away with almost $1,800. *that's* community. a really good point was made that night: if i'm ever in trouble, will the community come together to support me? i hope so. that's the community i want to live in.

it reminds me of the childrens' story about the hen who was making bread and nobody wanted to help, but everyone wanted to eat. i'm not saying we should all quit our jobs and drop out of school so we can raid the capitol to demand rights. or that we should feel obligated to give money to organizations even though we're trying to make our own ends meet. but i am saying that presence goes a long way, and that there is a strength in numbers.

there is a battle going on in this state and in this country. a battle for rights, for recognition, and for understanding and acceptance. if this fight is going to be fought, i want to be a part of it. i want a safe place to call home, and a safe environment of people to call my community.

wanna do something about it? start thinking. start talking. start speaking out. start here or here.

listening to:
paul mostly kicking ass at super mariokart.
it makes me smile.