here you have it

scattered scribbles of a wandering mind

margaret cho said it best:
"if you support anti-gay marriage legislation, and you laugh your ass off at 'will and grace;' FUCK YOU."

bruce danielson said:
"this administration will not force me back into the closet."

gender?

queer?

election, war, freedom, terror, lies, corruption...

responsibility, obligation, duty...

change, growth...

love

sunlight, seasons...

my love gets worried and my dinner gets cold because my mind can't stop and my throat can't make words.

there are optimistic moments and some desperate ones, too.

if the cat would just settle down and cuddle with me...

if i could just make them understand who i am, how i feel...

i wish i could remember the words to that song...

will i sleep well tonight?

wrenched

"i don't recognize myself
this is very interesting
my headphones,
they saved my life."
~bjork

gah!

ew, Ew, EW!!! my faith in humanity meter is at an all time low. ugh. i'm gonna go puke now, and meditate salvation for the world.

oh, and this helps, too.

get up

so just when i thought i was doing my body some good by making the 25 minute bicycle ride to work, the universe totally shut me down. i was about 5 minutes from work yesterday morning, just about to get back onto the path from a construction detour... down the hill, turn, gravel, sliiiiiiiide. oww. i think i was going too fast. the skid marks in the gravel told me i slid on my side at least 5 feet. sometimes it's good to work in a hospital. after dusting myself off, readjusting both brakes, and putting the chain back on the bike, i finished the ride to work with a little trickle blood running down my leg. people at work were looking at me as if to say, "uh, the ER is that way." by the time i got there, i was running late so i popped my head in our work area and told my supervisor that i was there but that i'd crashed my bike and i had to fix my leg. completely skinned knee. i asked one of my colleagues to get me a bandage from the ER (because the last thing i want is a hospital induced MRSA infection) and instead she brought a nurse who scoured out the remaining gravel and fixed me up right. i worked the rest of the day with increasing muscle discomfort, especially from the shoulder which served as my landing pad. my coworkers advised me to take the bus home, but by the time i got out to my bike i had decided that i needed to prove something. i rode the thing home. hah. one hot bubble bath, an arnica massage, and a heating pad later, i called in sick to work. today all of the muscles of the entire left side of my body are refusing to participate. and though i have a pretty impressive scrape and some nice bruising on both knees, there isn't one mark on the rest of my body to indicate a traumatic event. you'd think at least my shoulder could give up one visible sign of injury. oh well.

extra super special thanks to abby for doing her best to soothe the soreness from my aching muscles.

question of the day:
if you were going to be a drag king, which song would you perform to? is jimmy eat world too over done?

back to "normal"

whew! since getting the internet up and working and getting most of my stuff unpacked from the move in august, i'm feeling a little bit better about myself. this place is starting to feel more and more like a home every day. the cat is napping in my lap, and i'm up and posting again! even though i have been posting pretty regularly the last few days, i've still got a ton of stuff on my mind. i think i'm making up for last month's posting drought. maybe i should start a list so that i can avoid posting more than once a day. anyway...

abby's post reminded me of some propoganda posters i downloaded a while ago to use as desktop images. here is one of my favorites (a la cafepress.com):

yay clear channel and corporate media!

maybe i will start a very unscientific poll to figure out why people vote republican and support the war and the patriot act. real republicans, not pretend ones who just want to get people riled up.

try not to panic

i've been called a pessimist, a conspiracy theorist, a cynic, a skeptic, and more for my world political beliefs that our earth isn't going to be around very much longer. nuclear holocoust? enironmental meltdown? global warming, o-zone depletion, radioactive weapons, toxic waste, contaminated drinking water, smog.... am i the only one who freaks out about this stuff from time to time? apparently not.

"Dr. Bernard Foing told CNN that while the risk of a nuclear war was low, it was possible that an asteroid could hit Earth in the next 400 years and eradicate life."

shit. now i have to add asteroid collision to my list of daily paranoias. thanks. actually, when i was in elementary school, my parents suscribed me to this awesome science magazine for kids called "321 contact" (which i'm not so sure is around anymore. sad) which had an article that i remember to this day about how vulnerable our planet is to asteroids and how big one would have to be to cease life on the planet. nice. i'm sure it was probably in the context of dinosaur extinction, but still. i don't remember the specifics about how big one would have to be to make it through the atmosphere and cause damage to life, but i do remember it saying something about there being a pretty close call sometime between then and a couple hundred years from then. so this has been on my back burner for a while.

anyway, i think it would be cool to experience an earth where we all know we're gonna be obliterated by a giant space rock in a time frame of, say, a month. what would people do? what would life be like? how long would our governments know about it before they made the information public? would they let dykes into the biosphere on the moon? can you imagine watching the earth be dessimated from your terribly privileged vantage point on the moon?

spinning around above my head: ani difranco's version of "when i'm gone" by phil ochs

"it's hard to be sexy when you're a vibrator"

shiny iridescent colors... twirly pearly things... glowy lights... big button controllers... who invented these things anyway? they look ridiculous! i don't know about other people, but vibrators and dildos don't really turn me on like i feel like they should.

last night, one of my friends from work hosted a "passion party." inappropriate behavior for coworkers? not at all. it wasn't so much an orgy, more like a tupperware or pampered chef party. but with more giggling. there was chocolate, there was alcohol, there were vibrators, cremes, oils, salts, lotions and lubes. tasty, warm, cold or tingly. the strange passion lady stood before our group of (hetero, with the only exceptions of abby and me) women and offered us weird games and vague descriptions of what the various objects were used for. given the subject at hand, i found it amazing that she never once used the words clitoris (instead always used "clit"), vagina, vulva, labia or orgasm. there were lots of penis words and descriptions, but no direct references to any female anatomy. what? how can you sell someone a vibrator without telling them how to use it? i didn't even have to listen to more than half of the lecture because she was teaching us how to use it "on him." having abby there to smile to while we rolled our eyes made the hetero domination bearable. other than that, the evening was a complete success. shay provided an *amazing* amount of champaigne drinks and godiva chocolates, too much of which she convinced abby to bring home. hanging out with work friends outside of work was really cool, if a little bit revealing in this context, so abby and i decided to bail before people started making orders. i like my coworkers, but i don't need to know who orders what. plus, i think it's better to support our local women focused sexual pleasure place. maybe we could convince them to do dyke specific sex parties. aaaaw yeeeah...

more sexy than a gyrating purple vibrator: "slide" by missy elliott

consume. obey. die.

the state of the world has had me really freaked out lately. ok, so it's always freaked me out. ever since i started watching network news during the gulf war. the images of those oil wells on fire left a deep and aching scar in my soul. sometimes i get so incredibly overwhelmed by the impurity of politics, the media, television commercials, and some peoples' concept of what's true, that i want to physically pass out. sometimes the room spins and i need to stop thinking. i was watching a good ol' mind numbing football game on tv last night when it hit me: things are so incredibly fucked up in the world right now that people cave and stop thinking and do things like watch football on tv.

don't stop thinking!

ok. got it. right. but it makes me so tired. i'm not sure that i won't slide into some kind of thought induced coma until after the u.s. presidential elections are over. why the *hell* are people still going to vote for bush? why??? it doesn't make ANY FUCKING SENSE! do i have to start ranting? chances are that most of the people who read my blog are my friends, and we've already vented on eachother. but if you're reading this, and you don't know me personally or if you're still considering voting for bush, chew on this:

*g. w. bush went awol during his service in the texas air national guard. he never went to vietnam. he never experienced anything remotely similar to combat. yet he is responsible for sending your friends and loved ones to die in a combat he knows NOTHING about simply to profit his big money oil and military supporters.

*the bush administration just yesterday very quietly allowed the assault weapons ban to expire. now anyone in the u.s. can legally own and automatic weapon. because everyone needs an uzi.

*the bush administration's environmental policies have been shamelessly raping our earth since he was governer of texas.

*since bush's appointment to the presidency, there have been record numbers of private bankruptcies and foreclosures.

*everyone in bush's cabinet is a millionaire. condoleezza rice even has a chevron oil tanker named after her.

*bush has set the presidential record for most days out of the white house in any one year, and was on vacation the entire month of august, 2001.

*the bush administration has broken more international treaties than any other u.s. presidential administration.

my apologies to anyone who is sick of hearing g.w. rants. this is driving me nuts. if you're still thinking about voting republican this election, please stop and sit down before you hurt yourself or someone else.

"isn't that right, vern?"

remember the ernest movies from the 80s? you know, ernest p worrell, the weird funny guy who regularly talks to a character we never see? doesn't it bring back memories of staying home sick from school with strep in the winter, staying in pajamas on the couch all day, eating warm sick food and watching bad movies on cable because your parents had to go to work and weren't there to demand that you turn the channel? isn't there still a place in your grown-up adult heart for the movies you watched as a child of the 80s? if you saw "ernest scared stupid" or "ernest goes to camp" in the $5.99 sale dvd bin at best buy while you happened to be there buying other things, would you pick either of them up and bring them home? how long would they sit on your vcr before you actually watched them? would you enjoy it like you did when you were 9?

do you like how this entire post is one big question?

labor day

ah, labor day. an official three day weekend, created by our very own capitalist government, to let all of us hard workers and taxpayers know that they care about us and the conditions or our labor. they care, they really really do. they care about giving us one last weekend this summer to take out our suvs, boats, and motorhomes to get trashed on the shores of the midwest's great lakes and rivers. burn that fuel, drink that beer, and catch those fish, people, it's labor day and nobody has to go to work! what a great holiday! umm, but what are we celebrating again? haven't i gone through this alreay this year? say... may first?

anyway, all cynicism and political ranting aside, this weekend has been great for me. abby went with me to my cousin's wedding in minnesota. i was a bit edgy because we would be a queer couple at a wedding at a christian ranch. my imagination has been going wild for weeks about what a wedding at a christian ranch would be like. when it actually came down to it though, the wedding was beyond beautiful. it was great to see the family, and it was even better to come out and be accepted by them. i love you guys. you are all beautiful.

so how am i celebrating labor day? mini golf, baby!